Goblins in Long Valley or Gnomes ?

The Goblins of Long Valley - A lot of people don't know or even care that there are Goblins alive and well and living in burrows in the bushy bits of the Valley known as Long - For the military minded amongst you, I know there are a few, the Valley known locally as Long is situated @ GR 132 - 485 on thr Gov Survey Map A/shot - F/borough - Geographically placed on the right ( if your heading for Farnham & and on the left if your not ) It is not possible at this time to give you the magnetic variation due to something the Goblins have done, we believe iron ore is involved somewhere down the line, we are not sure what these little twats are up too but be very sure that the local authorities are on the case init.

Just the other day Capt. Ponsonbury - Smallone spotted several "Gnomes" whilst enjoying a jog over the tank tracks. He gave chase but was unable to catch the little sprinters and was forced through exhaustion to give up the persuit. He did however manage to spot where they ( the Gnomes ) went to ground. Presently the area was cealed orf his words not mine, and bombarded with 120 mm Howizters 81 mm Mortars and napalmed by the Burnemupbigtime wing of our own RAF based @ nearby Farnborough - Hooray phukking hooray init - No further sightings of Goblins Gnomes or any other garden figurines has been spotted since - It has been a fortnight now and although it appears to be "normal" around the area of Valley of the Goblns ( local people thought that up the pricks ) it is not over yet, Oh no, not by a long stretch of Valley init

Authors Note : Clearly disturbed by his experiance, for which he is receiving councilling, Capt. Ponsonbury-Smallone also made the crass error of mis identifying the little perishers. He called them Gnomes ! do you remember in the narrative above it clearly said Gnomes, wot a poof. So either way we have a Goblin problem of huge proportion or is it Gnomes ? On a personal note I don't phukking care and neither should you Brothers of Valhalla - One text to ODIN and THORS hammer will finish the job for ever and ever Amen init - Off to bed now as I don't give a flying phukk and I hear thunder over Guildford dunni.

Igitur qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum

Bloody hell Mick,
I thought everone knew that there are no Gnomes on the Long valley side of the road since the Goblins ousted them in 59,by forcing them over the Bailey bridge(or was it the sewage pipe) to the Golf course side of the road,where they have numerous tunnels leading down the Basingstoke canal as escape routes from Goblin snatch squads,simple init?

As for the magnetic variation,it no longer applies on long valley as the Gnomes prior to their ousting planted a "Flinders Bar" and a pair of "Kelvins Balls" which counter acts the forces of iron on a compass,therefore any compass always shows true north init.

Thank God init Tug - Only one aspect we may consider as an alternative to a nuclear strike - Gather all the brothers of Valhalla who are vertically challenged, PC or wot, Under 5ft - 3inches and patrol in Goblin outfits, carrying Gnome outfits just in case, infiltrate wherever possible and overpower the buggers. My biggest concern is that some may have been left behind "dormant init" should this prove to be the case then "infiltration" will prove our strategy sound and we can proceed to plan spy ops 1 phase 1a - Do you approve of this radicule but entirely necarssary measure - Captain Ramius and I are submerged of the coast of Hampshire, can't say where for security reasons, ready to launch a nuclear strike. Ready to go at a moments notice, we can deploy missiles with multiple independant warheads just say the word and we will blow em to kingdom come or up. Just one last thingy get the short arses out of the area, to a safe distance, Hmmmm say Guildford before issuing launch command. As we always say "hope for the best, But prepare for the worst" Strength & Honour.

Hello Maccypooh I can thing of one vertically challenged person,wee George Sugden,or as you used to call him Tulose Le Track

Hi Alex dear old friend hope your well. I saw your piccies on or in the gallery - What a fine figure of a Paratrooper you look and Sammy and Ian Mac so too Nicko - Can you get ahold of George, not only in regard to recruiting him for Gnomes ops, but also to learn whether or not he ever found a dwarf to marry - Would love too know - On a more serious note, as its in your neck of the woods, there has been word, rumour, call it wot you will. Trolls lurking, as they do, under bridges in the regions of Lockeil. Known to the earliest highland folk they are not to be taken lightly, or litely, which is easier to spell when pi**ed init - They come upon travellers, taking them unawares, dragging them under their Bruge ( their word not mine ) once there in the drab dank & filthy murk they eat them, even the bones - OOOOOOOOOOO aaaaaaaaaahhhhh - Frightened myself a bit there phukkme - So keep a weather eye out Alex and if you spot one "DO NOT APPROACH" Just inform the coast guard and beat a hasty withdrawal OK - Stay safe - PS - Do they allow Haggis hunting anymore ? I ask as some prick mentioned it had been banned.

Mick just sent you two PMs ref Mick Bramley.

Hi Tug - Thanks Bruv - How R U by the way long time no see init - PS - Have you decoded the pre launch codes yet over

Sorry mate got sidelined by the Long Haired General,but have just heard from our undercover informant that the "Little Fellers" are about to have a parley(or is it Parlay?) on the 300metre firing point on the old caesar's camp ranges,and as it is very close to the old "Ruperts" club,they have put in a request to the UN to hold off on the heavy stuff till they know the outcome of the talks,so stay safe down at 30 fathoms in Frensham ponds and await my order.
I hear on the grapevine the topic under discussion is "How much do the fishermen of the upper regions of the lower Zambezi get for overtime" what that has to do with the goblins i have yet to figure out,wait out

Typical init - Perhaps a subterfuge to lull us into a false sense of security - I under stand that message perfectly, the officers are in the danger area in the case of a nuclear strike and they're going to miss their tea and crumpets. In the event that the meeting go's on longer than "our man on the ground" anticipates may I suggest a pe-emptive strike by ground forces. That will catch the little blighters un-awares and we could clean up once and for - Get it over with in a moment init

We are standing by somewhere off the isle of Wight - We have removed the sakety features from our weapons and are at battle stations - Awaiting your orders Commander, may I still call you Tug ?

Mick,
I have lost the "slidex" code for today but as this is a "secure" clear channel i can inform you we have some frogmen awaiting underwater at the Aldershot Lido for the code words "Jack has a large mush-tosh" prior to operation of a ground assault which will start by the insertion of the whole of 16 Ind Para Brigade flying in from the now defunct Montgomery Lines, the DZ on caesars being the butts,Your actions will be to put down a divertion in the Tranasium area,one hopes you in range to do so.
Call me what you like,as long as it's not late for breakfast,at my age i am past careing.

G'day Guys
I would head North with Colonial Troops to help out, but unfortunately can't find North! Its not in my Bergen. What should I do?
Aussie Nick

Roger that Breakfast - don't call us for now we are rigged for silent running & don't wanna compromise our positition init - Ramius sent a letter to his former wifes RIP Uncle Admiral Yuri Preturin - In this letter he announed his intention to defect - Consequently we have to whole Russian fleet after us with orders to sink us - So we may be a tad preoccupied for a while over

Nick,
Look again yours is a "Mils" compass init,North is 6400mils,one hopes that with your ""Who Dares" skills you can lay out the "Alfa" & "Hotel" on the butts for the Brigade drop.Stand by for further orders from Mickamus who is attempting to evade the whole of the Russian Northern fleet on Hawley lake,he will be OK though as he has done the "Underwater knife fighting cadre" and can speak Spanish which is similar to your "Jockanese" init.
Mickamus says he has a "Cunning Plan" to drive the Goblins into the Basingstoke Canal,where as you know Goblins dissolve,and the Gnomes turn into cabbage heads(sorry about that but i must spit now) they will then wave a white hankey and surrender,to confuse them further all timings are to be Southern Cross time not north Star time Init

The white hanky was a 'ploy' to gain int init. In other words '
friendly observations whilst drinking and eating enenemas food and drink and gaining the upper hand with guille',
I knew a couple of tugs Wilson's in't Corps. Any relations??????????????
Per Mare Per Terram.

It's alright "Legs" we know you can't help it.
I expect it has something to do with having your brain removed at Lympstone,have you had the bolts removed from your neck yet? :lol:I thought the white hankies were so they could get those shiny silver suits that booties seem to favour in exchange for a ridged raider(or what ever it was) and a handful of SA80s,now would you call that a good swap?.
You don't honestly beleive that i would admit to having a relative who was in anyway shape or form connected with that organisation do you? however having said all that,, i do admire your guts to come on here willing to partake in the Banter,so stay low and run fast init.
Utrinque Paratus

A Vous Orders Tug, I'll stay as low as I can, just like when I'm out shopping looking up skirts Sah, I'll go so you can carry on your upcoming battle prep. Wouldn't want you chaps caught unawares by any gnomes goblins or ruperts etc.

I've seen this happen afore, what you need is a merc elven army to combat the gnome/goblin threat, us 'Cabbage eads' being the finest winter warfare troops you can find have worked side by side with the elves in norse, where they come from. wot you need is a detchment of these fine warriors to go down where you are and elp ya, we taught them everyfing we know, so you could learn alot from them if you just listen and look see.
Wouldn't want to start anyfing untoward 'ere, just a suggestion Hounorable Sirs.
Though we do have a mutual Saint between us, I was airbourne for 3 1/2 years. So does this allow me a little leeway, my hankies are out.(but in my hand behind me back ave got me sykes and fairburn primed). We could send down the fleet of obsolete fishin tugs (converted to carry vodka bottle hurlers and free food catapults to get them all stuffed and pissed making them capable for phuck all) from up ere in arbers to help out Octavian with his bit of slanted forehead problem from them slavic russki'ites batards, a quick 'friggin in the riggin and they're done for .
ps we could also send down some of the women folk from up ere, that'll realy phuck em up.-----over.

Thanks Tug, it was your spit that did it, I caught it between my two hands and squeezed, the gob ricochet was exactly as you said three hundred and sixty one and a half degrees, so it must be Northish. In trying to reconcile the difference between Alpha and Hotel, got stuck in the Hotel and there was a big Zulu in there with a lot of other guys wearing steel helmets and swinging the light bulb. As soon as I have a few dozen more coldies will send three and fourpence for your dance.
Tell Mickius to hang on the men in white coats are coming for us all and they look like lab rats or occifers, I never could spell occifer that's why I never was one!
Aussie Nick.

Do you remember Guy Pelham?(there's a name from the past Anti-tanks) I gather he tried 3 times to join the ranks as a "occifer" and failed each time.1st time he couldn't say "Actually",the 2nd time he said "Pardon" instead of "What" and the 3rd time, they found he had the "wrong type of dog"

G'day Tug
Poor old Guy, did he not realize that he required a partial lobotomy and the full lobotomy for Occifers of field rank?
Aussie Nick

Are Goblins and Gnomes covered under Elfin Safety?

Sad to see Old Soldiers affected by age,drink,sunshine and tablets!!!
By the way,they were Leprechauns on a day trip who got lost!!

Yeah Sean - That is a distinct possibility init - Interbreeding and a mixed diet of dandy lions and mushrooms can do strange things, peculiar things weird things. Deformed and rheumatic these bloody sods could easily be mistaken for Gnomes or even Goblins - After 6 generations of exposure to Tanks Thunder Flashes Homicidal Squaddies & Effluent overspill from the local sewage works anything is likely - However despite their origins we must do anything and everything in our power to eradicate the menace - So that ordinary decent people can return to the Valley of Long & wide in parts to enjoy its splendour init

Alex Scott wrote:Are Goblins and Gnomes covered under Elfin Safety?

Alex old friend - That is a very valid point and one we might consider should it prove necessary to blow them to kingdom come - The Elf & Safety executive has assured me that should it become nessasary, having exhausted all other options alternatives and still aint found another way to deal with the obvious menace to mankind and its continuing survival on Earth - Then and only then may we nuke the bastards - Note : Officially Goblins & Gnomes aren't covered by the same safety standards as wot Gremlins, Elfins Pixies and leprechauns as for Trolls, well we don't have Trolls here thank phukk - However Trolls have been sighted in Dunfries & Lanarkshire of late - Major Alex Scott has been issued orders to "take em out" - We await a successful conclusion to that problem very soon indeed - Good Hunting Alex & Bon Chance' Mon Ami - init